Tuesday, January 10, 2012

I'm Missing You Now

I see him. I may have forgotten a lot, but I definitely can remember his face.
His blue-green eyes.
His laugh. His smile.
The feeling of his arms around me.
All those memories that I've tried to suppress pop into my mind.
I feel like crying.
I want him back.
He sees me. He waves.
He smiles his half-smile that used to mean he still loves me, even though I just said something extremely stupid.
I'm certain that this half-smile doesn't have the same meaning.
I return the smile, then walk into the brisk winter air.
I cannot look at him.
My eyes are filled with tears.
For too long, I've tried to pretend that I'd forgotten him.
That he was worthless to me.
The I didn't need him.
But now it was obvious to me that I do remember him, that he does matter to me, and that I do need him.
I bite my lip. The tears keep falling.
I long to run to him and tell him how I feel.
But even more so, I want him to feel the same for me. I let myself remember how I felt about him, about how I feel about him now.
I've spent the last year and a half trying to fill his spot in my heart with other boys.
None of the boys can do that though.
Only he can.
I try to face the truth--that he will always be my first love.
Maybe not my true love, but my first.
And who knows?
Maybe we'll get back together.
Maybe, in a few years, we'll love each other again.
And maybe my first love will turn out to be my true love.
As for right now, I think I need to live in the moment and not worry about the future of the boy I loved.
The boy who not only broke my heart, but still has my heart.

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