Sunday, January 20, 2013


Sometimes, I think of you.
I wonder what you're doing right now.
Sometimes, I remember the memories we shared.
I looks at the pictures, read the letters, and feel what we were feeling then.
Sometimes, I get sad.
I realize things will never be the same. That what happened will never happen again. That I will never be the center of his life. That, one day, someone else will make him laugh.
But then, it hits me.
One day, I'll have someone that will make me laugh. That will be the center of my life. And new memories will be made.
Sometimes, we have a hard time letting go.
We tend to hold on too tightly.
But what we don't know is that there's someone out there for us.
We hold onto our first love because we're scared we're never going to find that again.
We live in fear of not being loved like that.
We're scared to step out.
We don't understand that there's a better person for us.
Sometimes, I take a step back and remember that you aren't meant for me.
And that I'll find someone who will treat me much better than you ever did.
Because, someday, you're going to come looking for me.
But you won't find me.
Because, eventually, I'll find him.
And I'll know for sure that I don't need you.

Charging Rhinos

I lose myself in your eyes.
They're the coziest eyes I've ever seen. Their hazel hue makes me feel safe, comfortable.
You catch me staring and I look away, embarrassed.
I feel my cheeks turn red and I suddenly become focused on what the teacher is saying. I scribble some notes down, though they are barely legible, because my hands are shaking.
After class, you set your things down across from where I'm sitting.
You smile at me, and your eyes light up.
My heart jumps, and I feel that familiar blush creep into my cheeks, warming them.
I pretend to be interested in something else, but I can't focus.
I want to run away and stay forever at the same time.
I'm trying so hard to pay attention to something, anything.
Self-control has never been one of my strong suits.
I'm trying so hard to keep myself from rushing into anything.
Patience has never been one of my strong suits, either.
I suddenly remember past relationships, the train wrecks they'd become, the hurt and pain I went through, that I put them through.
I don't want this to end that way.
I don't want another relationship to fizzle out, and to have to ignore you.
I come back to reality and I watch as you walk over to me, telling me about the latest gadget in the technology.
I try to concentrate on what you're saying, but I get lost in your eyes again.
They somehow draw me in and I find it hard to speak.
I've never been speechless before. Maybe a couple of times.
The butterflies in my stomach feel like stampeding rhinos.
I want this game to end, and yet I want it to drag on endlessly at the same time.
I'm so scared and so happy at the same time.
You listen to me, give me advice, and make me smile almost everyday.
And yet I feel trapped.
I'm scared for what lies ahead.
I don't want to ignore you and pretend like nothing happened, like I have so many times before.
I don't want another fight, another heartache, another relationship in ruins.
I meet your eyes again, and I fight the charging rhinos in my stomach.
And hopelessly lose myself in your eyes.