Sunday, January 20, 2013

Charging Rhinos

I lose myself in your eyes.
They're the coziest eyes I've ever seen. Their hazel hue makes me feel safe, comfortable.
You catch me staring and I look away, embarrassed.
I feel my cheeks turn red and I suddenly become focused on what the teacher is saying. I scribble some notes down, though they are barely legible, because my hands are shaking.
After class, you set your things down across from where I'm sitting.
You smile at me, and your eyes light up.
My heart jumps, and I feel that familiar blush creep into my cheeks, warming them.
I pretend to be interested in something else, but I can't focus.
I want to run away and stay forever at the same time.
I'm trying so hard to pay attention to something, anything.
Self-control has never been one of my strong suits.
I'm trying so hard to keep myself from rushing into anything.
Patience has never been one of my strong suits, either.
I suddenly remember past relationships, the train wrecks they'd become, the hurt and pain I went through, that I put them through.
I don't want this to end that way.
I don't want another relationship to fizzle out, and to have to ignore you.
I come back to reality and I watch as you walk over to me, telling me about the latest gadget in the technology.
I try to concentrate on what you're saying, but I get lost in your eyes again.
They somehow draw me in and I find it hard to speak.
I've never been speechless before. Maybe a couple of times.
The butterflies in my stomach feel like stampeding rhinos.
I want this game to end, and yet I want it to drag on endlessly at the same time.
I'm so scared and so happy at the same time.
You listen to me, give me advice, and make me smile almost everyday.
And yet I feel trapped.
I'm scared for what lies ahead.
I don't want to ignore you and pretend like nothing happened, like I have so many times before.
I don't want another fight, another heartache, another relationship in ruins.
I meet your eyes again, and I fight the charging rhinos in my stomach.
And hopelessly lose myself in your eyes.

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