Insecurities

We all have those little insecurities that aren't very noticeable to others, yet to that person they are.
You don't want to point them out, because once you do, they're magnified. And  everyone listens.
I have one insecurity that has become worse through my concussion.
If you listen to me talk,  you can tell that I can't pronounce 'ch', 'sh', 'g', or 'j'. It comes out funky.
I confided in my best friend and told her how embarrassed I get about it.
She understood, as she has her own insecurities as well. I asked her not to say anything about that and she promised she wouldn't.
About a month after that, she stopped me when I was talking privately with her and started imitating me.
It really bothered me, but I tried to keep the conversation going.
I thought she was just being silly, as I get with her a lot.
But I began to see a trend. When we were talking just the two of us, she'd giggle and stuff whenever I said one of those consonants.
Today, she completely betrayed me and teased me about it in front of her "former" crush and my former crush as well. When I looked at her, I couldn't even recognize her. She was laughing at my expense. Getting him to laugh with her at my expense.
I would never even think of doing that to her, and yet it seemed so easy for her to tease me about my insecurities, as well as my personality.
I think this friendship needs a little vacation.

Sometimes

Sometimes, I think of you.
I wonder what you're doing right now.
Sometimes, I remember the memories we shared.
I looks at the pictures, read the letters, and feel what we were feeling then.
Sometimes, I get sad.
I realize things will never be the same. That what happened will never happen again. That I will never be the center of his life. That, one day, someone else will make him laugh.
But then, it hits me.
One day, I'll have someone that will make me laugh. That will be the center of my life. And new memories will be made.
Sometimes, we have a hard time letting go.
We tend to hold on too tightly.
But what we don't know is that there's someone out there for us.
We hold onto our first love because we're scared we're never going to find that again.
We live in fear of not being loved like that.
We're scared to step out.
We don't understand that there's a better person for us.
Sometimes, I take a step back and remember that you aren't meant for me.
And that I'll find someone who will treat me much better than you ever did.
Because, someday, you're going to come looking for me.
But you won't find me.
Because, eventually, I'll find him.
And I'll know for sure that I don't need you.

Charging Rhinos

I lose myself in your eyes.
They're the coziest eyes I've ever seen. Their hazel hue makes me feel safe, comfortable.
You catch me staring and I look away, embarrassed.
I feel my cheeks turn red and I suddenly become focused on what the teacher is saying. I scribble some notes down, though they are barely legible, because my hands are shaking.
After class, you set your things down across from where I'm sitting.
You smile at me, and your eyes light up.
My heart jumps, and I feel that familiar blush creep into my cheeks, warming them.
I pretend to be interested in something else, but I can't focus.
I want to run away and stay forever at the same time.
I'm trying so hard to pay attention to something, anything.
Self-control has never been one of my strong suits.
I'm trying so hard to keep myself from rushing into anything.
Patience has never been one of my strong suits, either.
I suddenly remember past relationships, the train wrecks they'd become, the hurt and pain I went through, that I put them through.
I don't want this to end that way.
I don't want another relationship to fizzle out, and to have to ignore you.
I come back to reality and I watch as you walk over to me, telling me about the latest gadget in the technology.
I try to concentrate on what you're saying, but I get lost in your eyes again.
They somehow draw me in and I find it hard to speak.
I've never been speechless before. Maybe a couple of times.
The butterflies in my stomach feel like stampeding rhinos.
I want this game to end, and yet I want it to drag on endlessly at the same time.
I'm so scared and so happy at the same time.
You listen to me, give me advice, and make me smile almost everyday.
And yet I feel trapped.
I'm scared for what lies ahead.
I don't want to ignore you and pretend like nothing happened, like I have so many times before.
I don't want another fight, another heartache, another relationship in ruins.
I meet your eyes again, and I fight the charging rhinos in my stomach.
And hopelessly lose myself in your eyes.

Health health health

So many things have changed. New school. New haircut. New health issues. New problems everyday.
I've been diagnosed with Meniere's disease, which is a disease of the inner ear that can be caused by head trauma, like my concussion. It's not that big of a deal, except it brings on these terrible attacks. I get dizzy, sick to my stomach, weak, and tired. These attacks can last for a few minutes, a couple hours, or, as it happened last week, several days. There's no cure (yet), but there are ways to control it, like staying away from things that can trigger it. For me, that's caffeine and sugar. Which I love so dearly. I'm so worried about having an attack at the most inconvenient time, which normally happens. I'm just trying to adjust right now, because that's all I can do.

"I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid..."  John 14:27

With New Memories Come New Feelings

So since I got some (a lot, actually) memory back, I've got some new feelings I have to deal with again. Especially memories about him. He was everything to me. My "first love" as well as best friend. He was also my first real heartbreak. For almost two years I kept my distance and didn't talk to him after he broke my heart. I finally got over him eight months before my concussion. An now I can only remember the boy I loved, not the boy who made me feel miserable. It's a terrible feeling, getting over someone and them falling for him again. It's like climbing a mountain and finally reaching the top, only finding yourself sliding back down and having to start all over. I have vivid images of us, the way we were. And then I have to remind myself of how we haven't spoken in a year and how I can't just go "hang out" with him and how I've fallen for him all over again. I need to remember the boy who broke my heart so I can protect myself from him.

Go back part 5: New Hope and Old Memories

In about a week, it will be 8 months since my concussion. I'm still not healed, but I'm getting there. Through a lucky string of events, I have new hope for my soccer career I had physical therapy for a long time before switching over neurofeedback, or which I call brain therapy. The point of brain therapy is to alter the way my brainwaves work. After the hits, my brainwaves created a new pattern, therefore not functioning properly. This caused anxiety, massive headaches and memory loss. Lately, I've gotten some memory back, but. It necessarily memory that I want back. That's the tricky thing: I've gotten used to not knowing that it's taking a lot to get used to knowing these old memories. My life is a legit roller coaster right now. One minutes I'm at the top, the next I'm hurling downwards, and other times I'm spiraling out of control.

What Now?

*Each line of the post has a different person in mind...*

You push me down.
I get back up and say, "What now?".
You trample on me.
I get back up and say, "What now?".
You come into my life.
I fall in love with you.
You break my heart.
I pick up its shattered pieces and glue them back together.
I look up and say, "What now?".
You call me fat.
I laugh and say, "What now?".
You say I'll never be good enough.
I say, "What now?".
You compete with me and think that you'll win.
I beat you every time and say, "What now?".
You make fun of me.
You point me out because of medical problems.
You make me feel so small.
You hurt my family.
You kick me to the ground and hold me there.
I wrestle free and say, "What now?".
You don't understand what you can never keep me down.
I smile and say, "What now?".


"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
In God, whose word I praise—
in God I trust and am not afraid.
What can mere mortals do to me?"
Psalm 56: 3-4

I Know, But I Don't

Two years. 730 days. 17520 hours.
On January 27, 2012, I reached the two-year mark of our short-lived relationship.
I don't remember a lot of it.
I know we went out, but I don't know why.
I know he gave the best massages, but I can't remember the way they felt.
I know he broke my heart, but I can't remember the raw emotion I was feeling.
I know that he loved me and that he hurt me a lot.
I also know that on January 27, 2010, I was completely in love with him.
And I know that on January 27, 2012, I felt absolutely nothing for him.
I tried to read some of the letters he wrote to me, but I couldn't.
Because I don't want to remember how it felt.
I don't want to remember him.